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If I had to guess I’d say we’ve spent about $300 on cat toys over the past two years. He has played with them all for about ten minutes. There is one toy that he never tires of: milkies. Milkies are the plastic rings that get ripped off the top of milk containers. He loves those damn things. He spends half his day chasing the top of the milk carton around the house and the other half licking his balls in exhaustion.
Kids are the same way. Spend thousands of dollars on toys and they spend their afternoon banging on a pot with wooden spoon. What does this mean? We are as dumb and finicky as cats but with less ball licking (SOME of us).
It got me thinking about the things I played with as a kid weren’t really toys
Empty Paper Towel/Wrapping paper rolls
Swords. Batons. Lightsabers. Maybe just grab one end and yell as loud as possible to hear your voice echo out the other side. The fun never ended. Until they break. Then you just grab another roll, flush the evidence down the toilet and use that roll as the world’s largest spitball cannon. Distance varies.
Bugs
Spent hours torturing ants, ladybugs, and centipedes. Can you think of a more inhumane death than to get caught in a jar and used as some medieval lantern? Worse, it was encouraged by parents. “Here is a Smuckers jar, go play God.”
Label Maker
I have no idea why but everyone in my family had a label maker. The old school kind looked like the Starship Enterprise. Spelling out stickable curse words never got old. Who’s skateboard is this? Cockhammer’s that’s who!
Calculators
The only time numbers were fun. Especially when you can flip them upside down to spell boobies or boobless.
Couch Cushions
Bored of morning cartoons? Time to build a fort. Set up the large cushions as walls, the smaller cushions as the roof and use the throw pillows for their intended purpose: to throw. Normally at brothers and sisters who were forbidden fort access and accidentally at lamps. The lamps triggered a ground attack on the fort by Dad. Ass beatings are just a part of war son.
Expired Credit Cards
Ah the reckless days of yore where identity theft was a myth and asbestos just a delicious desert topping. My parents and Aunt gave me expired credit cards to play “pretend businessman”. I would use them in an attempt to break into locked doors around the house. Also on the front door of the neighbor’s house. That alarm was so damn sensitive.
Dirt
Dirt bombs. Dirt castles. Dirt sandwiches. Some kid pisses you off and you rub some in his eye. Don’t get me started on mud.
Matches
You weren’t supposed to play with matches. Doesn’t mean you listened. Then you got “the lesson” where something almost caught fire and you quit cold turkey and moved on to something safe like lighters and aerosol cans.
Food
Mom’s grub wasn’t always edible so it became source of amusement. How many scoops of mashed potatoes could you fit in your mouth? How far can you shoot a bean with your fingers? Will your brother notice is you drop a pork chop in his milk? A personal favorite was blowing bubbles into a drink until it overflowed onto the table. Ever get stabbed with a fork by a pissed off mother? I’ll color you lucky.
Your Genitals
You had those things in your hand at any free moment.
So what did I miss?
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sure, chris. i worked for almost 9 years at a cd/dvd replication plant. we also made vhs and drop shipped them. were i to mention some of the products, well… g.r, pdr, acc, vp, etc.. great times and great people. But as supervisor, ( did not start that way)I had a resonsibility to protect the persons and machines. One night, one of the marubini dvd lines lines busted a hydralic hp line. I got several boxes of “pads” from the supply room to to dam up the the oil from the other lines and keep others from sliping and hurting themselves. hell, I had to think fast, and use what was at hand. thats what they were paying me for. hope you are well. ecu ( my alma mater) sure took a beating from va. sigh!!!
but i still like bubble wrap. pop. pop,pop. poppopopop. tom
guess i should say somehing about red book, grey book and various other standards. only thing i can say, is tough shit. your dvd artifacts, or jumps? well, call china. thats where my job went. .45 per copy vs .18, shipped over here. of course that don’t include the fact that the average guy or lady makes about a buck an hour over there vs 12.
well, ancient history. I guess. pop, pop, popopoppop. lol, chris.
Why do I think you’re going out to by some bubble wrap Big Tom?
That is *not* kiddie porn. It’s a shame they have to censor her private parts. What a phucked up world we live in where you can’t even have pics of your kids in the bathtub without it being considered kiddie porn.
Agreed
I always liked to crack open my older brother’s cassette tapes and fling the ribbon all over the place. I got my ass beat up quite often because of this. I prefered the old 8-Track cassettes, but those were hard to come by.
Only thing you missed was the family car, aka spaceship. All the dials the switches could keep us entertained for hours!
we used to use empty laundry baskets to slide down the stairs in! many times went straight thru the drywall. now i have a little girl and i’m dreading the day i come home to a giant hole in the wall cuz i know it’s gonna happen.
Super funny and cute!!
Thanks Lindsay. Did you subscribe? You should.
… it makes it okay if someone else stole it first? the watermark is clearly right on the photo. People will integrity wouldn’t keep the cycle going.
*with
Cassette recorders. Recording a flushing toilet was an endless source of amusement. Making a recording of a monster in the middle of the tape, rewinding to the beginning and leaving the tape playing under your sister’s bed so that in the middle of the night she would come flying out of her room screaming about the hungry monster under her bed…. Classic. Thanks for giving my son a great idea from my past.
Keith. As dads we are responsible for passing on stupidity to next of kin. It’s in the bible.
boxes … I remember one time making the cockpit of the Milenium Falcon using just crayons, boxes & toilet paper rolls. Ooh those were the days
the boy full of kotex is so cute.
You forgot the most important thing…anything. When we were all kids, our imaginations ran wild. Hilltops, rocks, trees, boxes, paper rolls (the first extended swords..but only until they broke) My personal favorite was the vacuum extension pieces. (old school late 70’s) they were the best lightsabers.
PS. The daughter of our group is already in bed. LOL
Thanks Dave. Come back soon!
What about a stick with dog shit on the end,hours of fun.
Really? Pictures of babies is now kiddie porn? So why isn’t everyone who changes their diapers in prison by now?
Cuz I gotta tell you, that baby wearing his pasta seems to be having the time of his life. I think I should go try that.
The spaghetti, you freakjobs. The babies are for grilling and that’s just too much work right now.
This is a great blog post. One of our members like it so much she posted it on our new parenting community site, hunu.com.
Check it out:
http://hunu.com/parenting/1/5395
I have a leprechaun. He tells me to burn things.
Those things that prevent pregnancy, right?
rubber bands and paper clips. hey, nobody lost an eye……. . and BB gun wars. classic.
Man, that little kid at the end looked like she was REALLY enjoying that pasta.
I have a leprechaun. He tells me to burn things.
Nice article. I will be looking for more stuff from you. I don’t understand why some people can’t take a joke.
I use to pretend pots and pans were a drum set. Also use to put glue on my hand a peel it off when bored in class.
on your….
honor to to do thy best… you did not miss much, OA myself. to those that dont know well, its ratherer esoteric. I forget now.. but I wish you and you
the family the best in the but I am currious, whats your best movie of the year? Ingloriobaterds. for adults. up and away for kids of liked or where the wild things are. just saying… tis very cold, do me this GREAT favor…. in an effort to keep warm, dont burn the house down… ok? oh bye the way, like OJ? you will be getting most from CA .FL citruas fruit is kinda dead. Tom
On the cat toys - I have two additions.
Kids ponytail elastics!
and when my daughter (now 22) was about little Santa brought her one of those hard plastic doll houses (Little Tykes or something) It came with furniture and accessories. My cat kept stealing the sofa & bed pillows and playing with them. Daughter finally gave up. Cat is now 15 and both he & the new cat STILL have 3 of the 4 original pillows they play fetch with.
On human toys - what about dressing up in Mom & Dad’s clothes ..and getting into mom’s make-up?
Turning yourself into a superhero with just a cape (Dish towel safety pinned to your shirt)
Thanks for the great article!
Wow, those toys were worth the cash.