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The internet is full of followers. One person hatches a brilliant idea and millions follow suit with knock-offs, imitations, even cheaper knock-offs, and blatant rip-offs. I am guilty. I’m not the first, last or even best at penning a personal blog. I caught on about six years too late and I’m not even that great at keeping it up.
It’s better to be an innovator but it’s acceptable to be a follower.
Just don’t be a topper. There are too many toppers. A topper takes the popular and tries to do one better. This is popular but I can top it with THIS. This is a great idea but if I add THIS it’s even better.
I hate toppers. Toppers are making me hate bacon. Well I don’t hate actual bacon. I love bacon the food. I love it for it’s intended purpose; a side to my breakfast, a topping to my lunch, or an ingredient in my dinner. And as a sexual stimulant. (Mind your business.)
I hate bacon the comedy prop. I don’t want it covering my favorite website or made into a weapon. I don’t need a watch to tell me it’s bacon time or a bacon iPhone case.
When does it end? Unfortunately, never. It will never go away. A new bacon gadget will pop up on Gizmodo this week. If I had to venture a guess I say either a bacon steering wheel for breakfast on the go or a raw bacon bathing suit that cooks in the sun. When it’s done you are done.
There is only one solution. Come up with an even more ridiculous food item to take the crown from bacon.
New product > Bacon.
New product + me = innovator.
Bacon will = 
This won’t be easy. Bacon has a following. A cult. An army. I need something that is even more accepted, recognizable, and delicious (there is nothing more delicious. DAMN THIS WON’T BE EASY!)
I will submit that there is nothing that can not be made better with the addition of bacon. It must be equal to bacon in it’s versatility as much as it’s sodium content. It must be cheap and easy to cook. It should also do something that bacon can not do; stand on it’s own as a meal. Man can not live on bacon alone. Well, he can, but he will be living alone and be the size of a Mini Cooper. And finally, it can’t be made into anything of retail value.
Does such a food exist?
Yes.
Taylor Ham to those out of the loop. A local delicacy to the east coast (but I’ve heard it’s making the rounds out west) it’s everything that bacon is not; it’s…umm…sort of ham but more like a salami kind of…oh screw it, it’s balls-out delicious. Pork roll, egg, and cheese on a bagel and you better just grab a change of shorts.
The best part about pork roll? It’s just pork roll. You can’t make it into a gun or use it as a nicotine patch. It won’t let you. It’s as mean and unforgiving as the city it was born. It’s food damn it, just eat it. Just like mom always yelled.
This is a call to arms to all my pork roll brethren (and sisteren? That a word?). Raise your pork roll in the air and say “piss off bacon! There is a new sheriff in town.”
Me= Innovator
Pork roll > Bacon
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SAUSAGE
team porkroll! That sounded worse than I thought it would.
I really hate the work pork, bacon, and ham. But..pork roll - that is just wrong.
I meant to write “word” instead of work.
Mmmmmmm work pork
Damn, Chris, you have gone to far. i was just enjoying a cup of butter pecan ice cream, before I got some shut eye, and now you go and make me think of bacon. Specificaly, a BLT. Thanks Chris. I will think about you when I am washing the drool of these pillow cases. Thanks For the laugh, Chris. Bless you.
Tom
Tom,
How you feeling bud? And have you HAD pork roll? You’d love it.
This is fucking hilarious.
How times change in 48 hours Now I have a litle fawn colored dog lookiing at me, where ever I move. It was a rescued dog. that is why i am typing only right handed now. I am hold ing it in my left. it iis afraid to leavw me for now. just what i needed, a physco dog. i am holding it in my left hand /arm as i type. also. it is a 9 month old male so peiodically he tries to hump my leg or any guest leg in my home; or any leg around; Thats ok, when i was nine months in doggie years ( about 15 human) that is all I thought of ( really has not got any better with age either _ the old f, f or f you know. ( fight , F–k , or flee. but at 50 ( hard to belive- I have calmed down some) Little does he know, he has an apointment with the vet, next week. He is gonna be snippped and a rabies/ parvo/ diptheria shot. In Buncombe county, WNC, You pay a one time 300 buck fee to have unneutered dogs or cats for breeding purposeses, otherwise, if your pet is not neutered, it is 100 buck fine. Each time it is caught out. This sounds draconic, but we were swamped with dogs and cats waiting to be killed several years ago. Now there is a waiting list to adopt a pet.
Do not get me wrong. I am no Peta fanatic, In fact I enjoy meat and fish, eggs. etc. But on my little acerage, we care for our stock. We do not raise veal, nor do we eat foie grass. Ths little dog, he was chanined, outside, in the cold and rain with litle water and no food. He was starved for food and affection. I do not use swear words lightly, but I really pissed me off. These are living creatures. Do not get pets, if you cannot take care of them long term. They are NOT throwaway stuff. Somebody else has to pick up the trash. And it is not fun, be it animal or human. But most times you find it worth your while. ( even if i it is almost 4 am, and I gotta take the damn dog ( puppy) out for the forth time to night. Still better than changinging diapers ( pampers) an stuff. or having them changed on me. JEZZ. at age 50. I am too old for this stuff, but I love it. What is next? I know my destination, I am just along for the ride, now .Tom
I enjoy your site Chris. God Bless you.
Tommy
Thanks Tom. How is the dog?
thanks for this. its been on my mind as i stumble around the web and i had a bacon wallet like 3 years ago and it was odd and weird. now bacon jokes are everywhere next to lolcats and all kinds of other unfunny derivatives.
have you seen the new Gummy Bacon? Now it’s just getting stupid.
Fine, eccept it ( he ) hides food. I find crackers and little pieces of bread behind chairs etc.. He is well trained, House broke in fact. But I woke this mornining to find him sitting on me, despite the pillow at the foot of my bed. Did not have the heart to put him outside, on a chain, next to his little dog house. ( for which I paid 100 bucks). We had better get used to each others companionship. Becaucse that little dog sticks to me like glue. Sigh… Still it is nice to have a friend loves you unresrevedly. He might not think so after he visits the vet…
Tom
just to clarify, the 300 buck breeding fee for animals pertains only to farm stock or dogs. This IS NC you know, NOT TN, VA, SC, KY or W.VA. There now, that should piss alot of persons off, and lead to a lively discussion.
Tom
If it weren’t for Toppers, there would be no progression, no growth in society! Competition and Toppers (or “One-Uppers”, as I call them) are what keep the world evolving and hopefully a better place. Ideally, I hate followers and sheep, but I can’t say I’m not guilty. But I digress; I don’t usually break out philosophy before my second cup of coffee. Been missin’ ya on the interwebs!
thanks Jebb. How is life?
This post is great. It made me laugh (actually forced me to).
Speaking of the meats, if a pork-roll would have dropped, he would have been just as bummed as the bacon drop. zombies are pesky. check out the video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zPJu9OXdfU0&fmt=18
Couldn’t agree with you more regarding this craziness for bacon. The ‘bacon explosion’ recipe was the final straw for me: the Hummer of all bacon usages, the point where We’ve Gone Too Far. But pork roll doesn’t beat bacon, as good as it is. No matter how much you talk up paper, scissors will still cut it.