/this-just-in/images/rss_icon.gif){kind=icon}
/this-just-in/images/email_icon.gif){kind=icon}
/this-just-in/images/header_images/GMIClogo2.jpg "Random Header Image")
I’m fat. Fat for my frame. I’m borderline obese according to the Wii Fit. This is the same contraption that claims the Iron Chef game is a work out. Really? Why is the Mii Mario Batali the size of thirty meatballs?
I know I am really not fat or obese. I’m just fat by my standards.
I’ve been slacking at the gym. Not true. To slack at the gym, one must physically go to a gym. I haven’t gone to the gym, on a consistent basis, in over six months. I get bored. The same exercises, same machines, same gym clothes and same damn people every day, every week, every year. I dread it.
Since my semi-absence, my pants have tightened and there is a little more of me to go around. It’s subtle. I can’t look and feel like this during the summer. I’m going to have to take my shirt off eventually. Besides at the grocery store. Oh those mists of water in produce aren’t for the customers? Well isn’t my face as red as these delicious beets.
Summer is coming. I need motivation to get back back into the gym. Drastic measures are called for toot sweet.
Here are four odd but effective ways that usually force me back into the gym:
1) I wear a small shirt- Something happens to my summer clothes during a long winter’s nap: they shrink. The first warm day I decide to wear a polo shirt I look like Tommy Callahan Jr. in Richard’s jacket. Fat guy in a little Ben Sherman. They get incredibly tight in the chest area and the sleeves choke my arms like Latrell Sprewell does coaches. I wear it anyway. To work. An eight hour reminder that I need to start sweating on a elliptical or start shopping for XL sizes. Boss, I’d love to take notes during the meeting but I can’t move my shoulders. Would a pen in my mouth and head on the table be a distraction during your presentation?
2) I find a workout that will kill me- I’m still in good physical condition. I could probably hit the gym tonight and run four miles on the treadmill and it would only hurt for a few days. I do have limits though. I find an exercise program that pushes my limits. I want to make myself uncomfortable, achy, and one more dead lift away from puking into the fake ferns at the gym. This is when I Google “marines, workout, exercise, training, fern-killer” and find anything that looks like it could be borderline torture. I try it. Wait. First I email it to a friend and dare him to try it. If I get an email response of survival the next day I know it’s safe to attempt. No one likes those ferns anyway.
3) I pig out for a day- The expression “falling off the wagon” isn’t a strong enough analogy to illustrate how badly I sometimes cheat while attempting to eat healthy. I fall off the wagon, roll down the road at mach-11, leave potholes and land cracks that cause a ten mile backup during rush hour. So I decided to just go the whole nine. I start with the announcement. (Everyone repeat after me, I know you all know it.) “Starting tomorrow I am eating healthy and going to the gym.” Then I spend that whole day freebasing enough junk food to cripple the inventory of every 7-11 within a three mile radius. Then I berate myself about the gorging “go ahead chubby tits, have another serving of ice cream. You won’t need every valve connected to your heart. Top it off with some caramel sugar ass.” I even feast in my sleep, waking up the next morning with a empty box of Yodels on the nightstand. It stares at me like a one-night stand from a karaoke bar. Minus the duet of Guilty where I sang as Barbara. The Barry Gibb voice is out of my vocal range.
4) I shave my body- Yes I have. It was exhilarating. I felt thinner. Skinny. I left the leg hair, underarms and went gracefully around the boys, but the rest met the bathroom floor. The body looks completely different hairless. Like one of those cats but not as wrinkly and in need of a cheeseburger. It makes the body look more defined. Why do you think bodybuilders are smoother than the tush of a newbie? Being that bare makes you want to workout. It shows that things aren’t as bad as they seem in the body department. Couple slight adjustments and almost as good as new. It also demonstrates how pasty white a man can get in the winter. Yikes. Is that you Powder? The wife hates the Guido beach look so I’ll have to stay hairy for the time being. As soon as she turns her back I’m renting a weed whacker from Lowe’s and doing some manscaping.
I don’t recommend these ideas. I don’t want to get sued. I’ll either be back in the gym in no time or I’ll be a fat, hairless man in a tight shirt singing to a box of dessert cakes. I know you’re all secretly hoping for the latter. Bastards.
How do you get back into the gym after a long layoff?
Subscribe
Twitter
Email
Facebook
LinkedIn
YouTube
Two words for you. Ready? TRIATHLON TRAINING. That will kick your butt into the greatest shape ever! The gym just sucks; get outside and in a pool. I’m telling you, it’s the way to go.
Okay seriously, I can’t tell you how much I HATE those ugly as hell hairless cats.
Oh, and screw the Wii Fit.
Two words: No way!
I would try and train for something once. I just hope to survive.
We’ve used the Wii fit like 5 times. It’s terrible.
I was out of action for 6 months after rotator cuff surgery (2nd one) and just started back up. Sucks! Benching the bar..did 65 pounds the other day..damn shoulder. I just turned 34 and wish I was 25 so that was enough. Plus I want to be a DILF one day.
You just gave me every reason to stay lazy
Try Army Boot Camp training. I will try that this summer. With a hot army guy shouting at me whilst I am rolling in mud.
Mmm sweet. Cough.
Only you, Malin, could make that sound tempting
Instead of berating yourself, you could allow us to. Nothing gets me more motivated than having other people call me out on my hibernation fat. Tubby
You can berate me. I prefer “sugar boobs”
I lived in a condo that was about a mile from a ginormous gym. Knowing that I really should become a member and get myself into shape, I felt guilty every time I drove past it. So I moved.
Good for you Christine! Don’t give in to the “fads”
Sugar Boobs. That’s what she said
I love the Wii Fit! But only as an “it’s rainy outside so you should do some yoga or something” kind of thing. I really like the yoga even though I can only do like 4 poses without falling down, but I’m tall, and I guess I never notice how slouchy I must be until I do all those back-straightening ones. Plus, there’s no way I’d ever go into a real yoga class with all those graceful swans in there and I’d stick out like Urkel. In general though, I think that summer in general is the best motivation to work out. We have lots of mountains, so there will always be hiking, biking, swimming, rafting, kayaking, caving, etc. Oh, and I am loving my bike I just bought for $7.50 at a thrift store…I’ve been on that thing like every day!
Ok, the Wii Fit would be good for Yoga, but as far as the other games, like that Jillian Michaels crap I spent money on for the wife. Turd in a game box.
I haven’t tried anything but the standard one…is there a dancing game for the Wii yet? I can’t dance worth a shit. I have Hip Hop Abs, but every time I start up the DVD I start laughing at that inevitable theater major trying to be ghetto, then when I try some moves someone comes in the room and I get all embarrassed. Oh hey honey, just popping, locking, and dropping for fitness!
Do what I did: become diabetic. Take away your pancreas, add a little weight and lose some dignity in front of the mirror and BAM! Motivation…
I’m being cynical btw, no one should ever take fitness advice from me.
one step at a time, chris. My dad was a a member of the 101st and 82. He met my mother in England. She was a RAF nurse. I was an accident, when the were both in their late fourties,and I am a freverent beliver, and anti abortionist, cause I would probaly not be otherwise. ( oh yeah - you want to change dipers at age 45)Best thing to do is get a pair of comfortable shoes, and walk. Try going to the mail box, to start. baby steps. I had a stroke severeal years ago, and was given 60 days. long ago i used to run, 1.5 miles in 9. ( sounds easy, but the last round is a killer) for the AF. That was then. This is now. So walk. a little more each day. And when you get beyond the driveway, carry a 9 iron and pepper spray. And do not worry about all the persons who might jog, or run past you. This is the one time you should be focused on YOURSELF. Tom
as far as the whole body shave? yeah did it once. I felt well, nice, but weird, but I gave the clippers away. There is hell to pay, when it starts growing back in. you look like you got fleas, if you are wearing a suit. Sorry, but from now on, all i shave is my face, and that is a gracious plenty, every damn day) and have a trim ” down there”. ( which I do myself). But shaving? no way. Nor do I expect that off my mate. Kind of like brushing your teeth. Just basic groooming. tom
of course, you can always do what my mate does to me. She leaves a beer in the mail box, and says go, go, go. At this late stage in life, you surely are not under the impression that men rule this earth, are you?. I must say, that I have submitted. LOL. and would not trade it for anything.
Tom
I guess that sounded rather stange. or exotic. No. we are just like two oxen, pulling the same plow together, and that is pretty good. We have been long in the traces together. and it is nice. It is called love. Being there for each other.
Tom
i feel deceived. when i met you, i was under impression you were mr. fitness. boy was i wrong.