A few months back I did a blog about learning to properly taste whiskey. Not only did I learn how to taste and appreciate but I learned that people loved the blog. So, in an attempt to entertain and actually become a more well rounded person, I will do a “How to” blog every once in a while. The how to will actually be of some use in to my daily life.

Today’s How to: How to Wrap a Gift

I am awful at wrapping gifts. I usually get them wrapped at the mall or put them in a gift bag. It’s a simple thing I really should know how to do. Especially because I’ll be buying plenty of small little gifts over the course of my marriage that my wife won’t be able to wrap. So I’ll learn.

Whether you are wrapping presents to give as Christmas gifts, birthday presents or girls weekend, here’s a simple way to wrap your gift box. Things You’ll Need: Wrapping Paper, Scissors, Tape, Gift Box

Damn. No booze this time? Oh well. I’ve got scissors and tape. I don’t want to waste any of the wife’s wrapping paper so I will substitute common household objects. I’ll use a notepad that is about the size of a jewelery box and a copy of the Victoria’s Secret catalog. Both are meant to represent what I can give my wife as gifts when I screw up. Lingerie and a notepad to keep track of the mistakes.

1. Step 1 : Unroll or layout your wrapping paper on a flat surface like a table.

Check! Oh wow, that is hot. I might buy that for the wife. Are this chick’s boobs real? They are fantastic. She looks like a girl I went to college with in Pennsylvania. Her name began with an H. She had a rack just……oh right, right, wrapping.

2. Step 2:  Lay box face down on paper

You know box doesn’t like when you do it like this. It makes it feel dirty, like you don’t want to see it’s face.

3. Step 3: Align the paper edge on your box. Measure the amount of paper you need by folding the cut end of the paper roll over your box so that the edge is centered on the box.

At what step do I stop giggling at the word box? Seriously. It’s like I’m 11-years-old. Throw in the word poop and I might lose control.

Step 4: Cut the Paper off the roll here. Now fold the other end of paper (the end still on the roll) over the box and slightly overlap the section of paper you measured in the previous step. Cut the paper off the roll at this spot.

I am lost from the start because my paper didn’t come on a roll. It came from a magazine. Do staples count as rolls?

Step 5: Measure the paper needed to close the ends of the box by sliding the box toward the edge of the paper. You’ll need just enough paper at the ends that would allow you to almost completely cover the box end completely with one side of the paper if you folded it in. For instance, if your box is 2 inches tall, you should leave about 1.75 inches from the end of the box to the edge of the paper. Cut the paper to length on the other end of your box too so that you are left with the exact amount of paper required to wrap your box.

I just zoned out like I was twenty minutes into a probability and statistics class in college. Does this paper ride on a train? Does I leave the station the same time as the train? If so, what time will I finish wrapping this package? Fucking never at this rate.

Step 6: Hold paper in place with tape. Repeat the steps 3 and 4 above and hold paper in place with a piece of tape.

That sounds rough. Can’t I just convince the paper to stay instead of forcing it to stay? What if I trick it into staying? Maybe cry and ask “Why don’t you like me paper? Is it because I’ve gained weight?”

Step 7: Fold in paper on ends of box. Turn the box so an end is facing you then fold in the sides, creasing along the top and bottom. Hint: The top and bottom flaps will be shaped like triangles after this step.

Oh sure now you are all liberal with the hints. Hints are flying out of your mouth now. Where were the hints in step 6 when I taped my hand to the table??

Step 8: Working with the same end, fold down the top flap, creasing along the edge of the box.

I am still majorly pissed about these hints. Here is a good hint: take this crap to be wrapped at the mall and ignore these stupid How-to articles.

Step 9: Fold over a small bit of the bottom flap to provide a clean edge.

I am sorry, I didn’t mean to call your article stupid. Please don’t cry. Where are you going? Don’t leave, I want to finish this package. Come back. Don’t make me tape you down.

Step 10: Overlap bottom flap over top flap and tape closed. Fold the bottom flap up and tape to close.

This is working out well. This part is always my problem. I never get the sides correct. Then people can see what’s in the wrapping. Like last year, my mom knew I got her electric clippers because she could see the sides of the box and because my hair got long.

Step 11: Spin box around and repeat the steps above to seal the other end of the box.

I spun too fast. The box threw up. This is awkward.

Step 12: Flip box over and top with a pre-made bow

Pre-made bow? You are trying to make me look bad? I’ll fix you. I’ll make my own bow and top off this package.

If that picture doesn’t say “I’m sorry” I don’t know what will.