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Men lie. Kidding. We never lie.
See. I just lied.
White lies. Usually with good reason. I’ve lied once already today. I’d admit what I lied about but then what was the point of lying?
This got me to thinking about the most common lies in a man’s day and the justifications for each. Here is what I came up with;
What we ate- Women are obsessed with knowing what their partner had while away from their dieting eyes. Here is a hint; we ate much worse than we will admit. That salad for lunch came from McDonald’s and was part of a balanced meal that included healthy fries. The coffee in the morning was actually accompanied by a dump truck of sugar and a sweeeet Boston Creme donut. It was one slice of pizza. Fine, three slices but one at time.
Justification: Women try so hard to eat right. Bless their souls. It would crush them to know we suck Big Macs through straws and really don’t care or look any different. We are doing this for…hold on….god damn this is an amazing Blizzard! We are doing it for our women.
What we really did on our day off- Errands. Paid some bills. House stuff. Then we got home, spent some quality time staring at the bathroom tiles and regretting that third slice of pizza, pissed around on the Internet, “accidentally” ended up on a Bar Rafaeli fan site and then…you know…oh yeah. Nappy.
Justification: How terrible does all that sound and written out? Exactly. You are welcome.
What we are working on- Oh, busy busy day. Meetings. Calls. That guy from accounting is ruining the whole project. Work work. Bull turds. We went to work. Truth ends. An hour of work. Then we spent the day looking busy, searching the web for videos of nut shots, taking phone calls (from friends), spreading out papers on our desk and yelling at our computer screens in frustration. “Damn system! It’s always down! Grrrr (fist shake).” I’m going for coffee. At the rub-in-tug around the corner.
Justification: We like collecting a pay check.
“That time”- You know that time. That story we tell. That crazy story everyone makes us retell over drinks or at parties. It didn’t quite happen that way. It’s based on actual events. There really were no midgets involved and the cops didn’t buy us a beer before booking us. What really happened? No one knows for sure, not even the guy spinning the web. We’ve told it so many times we have started to believe it really happened. That midget was so pissed!
Justification: Can’t we have just one moment? It’s all we have left in this miserable hell called life.
Are those really hurting anyone? Of course not. Now if you will excuse me, I’ve got a meeting and then I’m going to donate my time to the local Meals-on-Wheels.
I.E.- Golf and beers.
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God Damn it! I read too many blogs as it is. And here you go being all funny and what not. Frick it! I’ll subscribe.
BTW - Pants on fire pic - brilliant.
WELCOME TO THE PARTY POLITICS CHICK!
Dare I ask: what is a rub-in-tug?? And as for the “that one time” story - we know you’re lying. But we love you and your ego so we let it go.
Excellent question Char. It’s a place that advertises massages but then offers something to make the ending very “happy”
Haha… Very nice. Thanks for busting up the monotony of my day!
four lies? How about one, overriding one. When I was a kid, My parenets took me to see the USS North Carolina, now docked at Wilmington, NC. I climbed into the captains chair at age 8 and said “Yeah, this is where I need to be”. For the next thirty years, as a boy scout, and as obedient officer in the military, and through many civillian jobs I still wanted that sense. I have worked hard, and towed the line, but always with that thought. I think this is what drives persons to achieve. Namley, I will be the best. I will achieve. But now I am fifty. My concerns are limited, but I still want to be the best I can be. Think not? When you saw that latest star treck movie, did you identify your self as one of the crew, or did sit in the captains seat, and say Yeahhh. Come on be honest. And that is the tradgedy and greatness of humanity. we want to the best, even in humility. or am I talking to myself. Tom
Sorry Chris, I Liked this article, and can see MYself in it. Did not mean to get a preachy, in the last comment. Cell phne conversation follows concerning a Big Mac, when ypui ditched the homade low cal trukey on white and an apple. Whad you eat today? Oh yu know, we wntout instead. about 4 oz of beef, ( two all beef patties) a salad with a little dressing and toppings ( special sauce , letuce chesse) and some veggies ( pickles, onions) and some carbs ( on a seseeme seed bun). But I did good on desert, ( only ate ONE of the pies off the dollar menu).
Tom
tom robinson,
NOBODY AND I MEAN ABSOLUTELY NOBODY GIVES A FUCK!!!
Well to skokalman, I dipped skoal while you were in dippers asshole. I got other things to do, but as a a former bsa youth leadr, why so hard on my ass. If you dont like it, goe be a leader yourself. But now, NDS i SHOULD NOT GETso provkedm!!!! Things take time, my friend. I did want to report that all is well Chris. ( Believe it or not, I am learning to SIGHN. And that is pretty hard do do, frrustating , in facct. they wwant to communicate. Like every thing ekles, it takes time. Tom
You will, skolman, , just not yet… Sorry to respond in kind. at age 50, I should know better, but not so great myself.
Sorry.
Tom
I am so sorry Chris. I did not mean to get in any argurment. Indeed, this has been a great day. A friend and former coworker ( and ex military, like me) called and said Hey tom, mind if I drop inn? I said sure, Don, any time ( I was having a lazy Sunday pm) He said ” Great, eta in about 5, OK. I said , Don- what the hell, where Are YOU?? He said at the convienince store 4 miles from MYy house. He asked if I needed any thing ( Don dont drink alcohol at all) I said I got some ginger ale, milk, OJ, and beer. He said cool, be there in a few, and he showed up with a few DR. Peppers. After He arrived, I asked, why did you not give me some advance notice? ( he has stayed here several times before). He told me he was traveling to knowxville, TN, to meet the family of his girlfriend, and could not be delayed. ( Don lives now in Fayetteville- Fayetville (Bragg )- around Seymour-Johnson (AFB), or Cherry Point( USMC)– any body that has been there knows what and where of I speak. So here is to Spec 6 Don, USA, decorated, and out now from 1lt Tom, USAFR. Wishing you and your( hopefully) wife to be all the best. you deserve it, buddy. Tom
Tom. Glad to hear all is well. I personally like your updates and comments. Keep fighting the fight.
I’m shocked! Men actually tell lies?! Newsflash … we’re on to you. We just like to watch you do the Fancy Dance of Lying Men (in our heads, it looks a lot like Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance). It’s fun to watch you come up with the spin when we know you’re making it up as you go along.
Christine,
Oh so you can tell when we lie but you are terrible at estimating distance and size? Interesting.
Not being able to estimate distance and size has nothing to do with my ability to smell what men are expecting me to scrape off the bottom of my shoes.
Yeah, sorry, Chris, the only thing that surprises me about this is the fact that you guys think you’re really doing all those things unnoticed. HA! Nope. We know. Oh do we know.
You are on to us???? NO WAY!