Another in the series of “How to” make me into a more well rounded fella.

I don’t get mad easily. When I do…look out! (swiftly shaking fist in circular motion) The things that usually get my ire have to do with the decisions of people in a position of layout and design. I hate when a massive bar or restaurant has one toilet for hundreds of patrons. They are probably the same geniuses that handle “toilet paper holder” placement. If I stretched any farther I’d be in the ladies room.

I usually let it slide or bitch to whoever is unlucky enough to be with me at the moment. I should really speak up. I should learn to voice my complaints in a civilized fashion.

I should learn the lost art of the complaint letter.

Find the Right Person to Contact

Venting frustration may make you feel better, but it won’t produce the best results. A well-written complaint letter addressed to the right person, however, can be extremely effective.

Excellent points! I’ve got my best letterhead and my favorite Power Rangers pen. I’ve been practicing my cursive for a week. I hope this letter involves a plethora of J’s.

Step 1- Set out to find the individual who has the power to do something about your situation. Contact the company’s consumer affairs office and ask for the name of the manager if you do not know who has authority. Call the company’s headquarters and ask for the office of the president if a company does not have a consumer affairs office.

Found him! I curse him every morning. This has been a long time coming Mr. Calvin Klein. I want Klein. I want the guy. Then I want the guy behind the guy. Then I want the guy, behind the guy, behind the guy. No this is not a pornographic blog, why do you ask?

Step 2- Get the correct spelling of your contact person’s name along with his or her title and complete address.

Shouldn’t be hard, it’s written in his underwear. Mine too. Thankfully we don’t share dressers or it would get very confusing. “CK are you wearing my underwear again?”

Step 3- Use a computer or a typewriter if you can.

If you can, also use that typewriter to smash a large bump in your skull for owning a typewriter. Who are you Clark Kent?

Step 4- Make your letter brief and to the point.

Brief. Ironic choice of words. I giggled.

Step 5- Include the following information: the date the problem occurred; the time; the names of those involved; your name and how you can be reached; what you have done so far to resolve the issue; your feelings; your specific request for action; and how the company will benefit by solving the problem.

This sounds like work. I thought this was going to be fun. Where do I call him a jerkface?

Step 6 -Keep a copy of this letter and all letters to and from the company.

Good idea. I’ll keep them in the box next to my typewriter marked “evidence of my insanity and JoAnn fabric fliers.”

Step 7- Give the person enough time to respond.

Will do. Measured in seconds? That would seem like he had more time to respond. “Oh eighty thousand seconds. Plenty of time!”

Step 8- Write another letter if you do not hear back within a month.

This is officially a job.

I’ve taken all the advice into consideration and penned the following. Hopefully it makes my point.

Dear Mr. Calvin Klein,

I am mad! Fuming. Grab a frappachino or whatever your rich, older, handsome men drink and sit down. I have a story.

Several years ago I took a vacation with some friends to this quaint little town in the middle of the desert named Las Vegas. I’m sure you’ve seen it in movies. Nice place. Anyhoo, in preparation I went out and bought myself some nice new duds. Being a fan of your undies I purchased four new pair. I imagined plenty of people would see me in my drawers on the weeklong trip. Especially because I sun bathe in them.

I spent my hard earned money on those nuthuggers and even left them in the boxes for the trip. Keep them fresh. When I went to put on the first pair I was startled at what I found (both in the underwear design and what I was attempting to put in them).

No pee hole! I thought they were defective. Next pair. No pee hole. What the peesh?

I can’t explain how embarrassing it is to have to drop my pants to my ankles at a urinal in front of a crowded Men’s room. The other option was pulling down over the little fella and holding onto the elastic for dear life. Couple sweaty fingers and SMACK! Golden showers for the spectators.

Now those very expensive underwear sit in my drawer and mock me every morning, never to be worn again. Have you ever been mocked by underwear sir? It’s degrading and mostly penis jokes.

This my request. New underwear. WITH pee pee holes. Also, I’d like to be in one of your ads. I’ve already stopped eating.

Hope to hear from you soon or get picked up by your yacht.

Warm regards,

Chris