“Are you surprised?”

I was surprised. Surprised and shocked. Surprised at the gift. Surprised she paid such attention to my interests. Surprised she found the money to buy such an expensive gift. Shocked that after only three months of casual dating she felt buying field level seats to a Yankees game was an appropriate birthday present.

“I’m shocked,” I said, staring at the tickets.

“We are going to have an awesome time!”

“We are?”

I thought I would have a good time. I figured that was a given. I didn’t imagine she would be part of that good time. I didn’t think she would want to go. Why would she want to go to a game? Does she like baseball? These are all questions I could ask out loud.

“Why would you want to go to the game? Do you like baseball.”

“I don’t like baseball because I don’t understand baseball. You could teach me about it.”

Another birthday and another ungranted birthday wish. On the previous evening, at a small gathering of family and friends, I blew out the cake candles and wished to find a way to dump Penny without her going apeshit.

She had the crazy in her. It was obvious. The stalk your work and write her name on your car hood with a bottle cap gleam in her pretty, innocent eyes.

Let’s consult the crazy checklist:
1) Liked to fight for any reason…FORRR HOURSSSSSSS. Our longest fight? I commented that I could see how some men found Fergie attractive. Worse than Pearl Harbor. At least those soldiers got a memorial.
2) Checked my computer when I was at work and found…get this…pornography. Can. You. Imagine. She felt that our sex life was more than enough to satisfy my urges. Ha. Silly, silly girl.
3) Came to meet me at a bar (uninvited) and sat inside for an hour because she “couldn’t find me” but didn’t think to check the outside bar. You know, the place where all those people were standing and drinking.
4) Awesome in the sack. Show me a crazy broad that isn’t.
5) She once said to me “Chris, I hate to say this but, I’m kind of crazy.”

Why did I let this relationship carry on for so long? Please refer to numero four of the previous checklist and add into the equation that she was magma hot. Magma. I had the chance to break it off every nutty epsiode. Of course, whenever a good time came, and so did I (sexual pun) and I pussied out again and again (not a sexual pun–but works here). Now I was staring at two tickets to a Yankees game and at least another week of locking my computer.

She answered the door ready for a baseball game. If baseball games were held in a nightclub. At a resort. Called Hedonism. Unbelievable cleavage top, white mini-skirt and heels that would be offended if you JUST fucked in them.

“That is what you are wearing?”

“No. Wait.”

She ran back inside and grab a jacket that covered just a little bit more than nothing. It was like a sitcom gag. Now, I could’ve told her to change but then it would lead to fighting, crying, arguing and watching the game on television after she locked herself in a kitchen cabinet (very petite girl–magma though).

The cat calls and comments started right about the time we pulled on the Major Deegan expressway. Men are pathetic around a pretty girl. Drunk, obnoxious, Yankees fans are relentless. Every guy made a comment as she passed. Among my favorite “Hey baby, come over here. I got a bat and balls to show ya.”

For some reason, I was the member of the couple embarrassed by all the attention. I got us to our seats faster than a Clemens bean ball and decided it was best to stay in those seats until the final pitch.

“Aren’t you getting hungry?” she asked in the third inning. I was starving but not for the attention.

“Nah, I’m into the game.”

“Well I’m going to get food. Do you want to come with me?”

Oh, how does one politely say no?

“No.”

“Fine.”

She stormed off and I watched (along with the other 40K in attendance) as she stormed up to the concourse level.

Maybe she will meet another guy and give him her phone number. They will start dating.
Maybe Jeter will see her and call her down to the locker room after the game.
Maybe I’ll take a foul ball to the face and this will all end.

She came back with peanuts and a large soda.

Can I get ONE birthday wish!

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