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Good, you’ve sat down. I’ve just received an urgent letter from the Department of How is this a Shock to Anyone? It seems people don’t us the mail as much as they did in the past. The post office is in financial trouble. It’s OK, it’s gonna be fine. Shhhhhhhhhh. Relax. Deep breath. Smidge of water will help.
Mail is probably the last option. FedEx or UPS for packages. Bills get paid online. Email distant friends and relatives. Holiday cards are about the extent and really that’s pointless with modern technology. I can e-card you a Baby Jesus and Rudolph trimming a tree that will grow your heart three times the size.
The mail won’t go away. It will just downsize. Fine. Mail is pointless. There are some things about the delivery of mail we will miss. Of course, things we won’t miss.
We won’t miss miss…
Mailers- They come in bulk and jam up the entire mailbox. Fliers from stores I’ll never shop in peddling products I’ll never buy. “Oh, Twizzlers are on sale!” Never uttered that phrase. I can check deals online, or better yet, just by walking into a store. “Oh my god. Twizzlers are on sale!”
Credit card offers- How many do you get in a week? Ten wouldn’t be to obscene of a guess. Most are from companies that with which you already have an account. One of my credit card companies sends a new card because I’m not using the old. Yeah, no idea how identity theft is such an issue in this country.
Other people’s mail- In my last house, I received mail addressed to the previous owner. And the owner before him. And the owner before him. Not just junk mail. Birthday cards. Invites. If you don’t know Gary moved ten years ago I’m pretty sure you can mark him down as a NO for Saul’s Bar Mitzvah.
Stamp prices- Quick, how much is a stamp? Guessing “in the 40 cent range” won’t get your Twilight fan club membership mailed. The answer is $.44. I had to look too. It’s an inconvenience. Watch this. Just emailed someone. Free. Also, no pressure of what stamps to buy. Well I do love Heroes of Ham but that kitten stamp is so damn adorable. Give me them all!!
Here is what we will miss…
The minor daily excitement- Fine, it’s not an adrenaline rush but coming home from work and thinking “people want to get in contact with me for possibly good reasons” does make a person feel wanted. Oh look, the eye doctor is reminding me of an exam and DAMN IT! Gary moved! Update your contacts.
Coupons- Sweet deals from local business. Money off pizza, dry cleaning, and power blasting the aluminum siding. All awesome offers that I never take advantage of but like to know are there every time I go to the fridge. What the hell else would all those magnets hold? Not my less than stellar report cards. Stupid Social Studies.
Getting the mail- Built in excuse to physically get out the house, get out of an argument or avoid manual labor. I’d love to move those couches but I’ve got to get the mail. I’d love to sit and talk with your parents but I have to get the mail. At the post office. In Guam.
Will you care if we never have mail delivered again?
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The only thing I need it for is Netflix. In fact, considering how well Netflix runs their business, we should just let them take over the USPS.
You have an XBox 360? You can get NetFlix on there now.
Magazine (prices) will be missed!
Oh sorely. How else will get all my ads and cologne samples?
The Twizzlers thing made laugh so hard! I work for CVS and one of their Summer Sales Announcements over the PA is an ad for Twizzlers and their Everyday Low Price. It says Twizzlers are the perfect backseat treat for long trips. Personally, I don’t give kids in the backseat sugar and red dye; I prefer Valium. Nothing beats peace, quiet, and clean seats. Also, the USPS will require more money than GM and Chrysler to bail out I believe and hasn’t posted a profit in a decade and a half, even though the post office was reformed to become more “efficient and corporate-like”… All in all, great post.
Not to be confused with the cheap knock-offs “Red Vines” which NEVER go on sale. Sad face.
Redvines are the OG. Thry never go on sale because you can’t knock the prce of quality.
My friend lives in Germany and where she is located they only have dial up. A letter in the mail could probably get to her faster than her being able to get online. I, too, get a small rush when the mail comes and will miss that greatly! I laughed pretty hard when I saw the part about the coupons. I have a stack here on my desk I’ve kept…Papa John’s Pizza, 1800Contacts, Direct TV, etc. and Gosh Durnit! All these offers expired July 31st!
Have you every actually USED one? I did the other day for air duct cleaning.
There was a spider in here the other day so I put it on one and took it outside
I can honestly say that I absolutely HATE getting the mail. I only do it once or twice a week at the most. It’s just such an annoyance! Oh, and the very few times in a calendar year that I actually have to put something in an envelope and walk it out to the mail box (this is prior to having to borrow a stamp from a neighbor, because seriously, who has a freaking “book of stamps” laying around anymore), open the mail box and put the damn thing in there, it is pretty much becomes an instant bad day for me.
well as a usps empoyeee… no am, not. Just charge a dollar to delvier mail, and no junk mail, ok?if I send it back, to the original sender, postage due?. But that woudld cut my mail by 2/3 s for sure. Worse than spam. Tom
Juliann is right. Except for… now wait those come Fed ex, ups or Dsl, why are we supporting a dinosour like the usps. I check my mail twice a week. Most of the time, it is just adverts to tire, pizza, oil change, and mex or chinese resturaunts. 1 of 10 has any actual bearing on my life. maybe it is just me, but…
um , as a vet, still would like to get on at usps . Guess that is out of the question, now. Tom
Found out a cool proposal based off of the Swiss mail system; setting up large regional mail centers for distribution across he country. When someone recieves a letter, an email is sent to the person, and the have 3 choices: have it scanned into .pdf and emailed to person and then original document shredded, have the letter physically delivered to the person, or just shredded without reading. Seems a little more efficient than having however many little trucks putting around everyday, and only used for pickups instead, effectively cutting driving time and wear and tear on vehicles alone.