Chris Illuminati is an author, a blogger, former stand-up comedian and a father.

OK, enough third person stuff.

I’ve published several books, including Assholeology: The Science of Getting Your Way And Getting Away With It (2010) with two co-authors; Assholeology: The Cheat Sheet (2011); and Thank You for Not Laughing (2012).

The former works are guidebooks and a field guide on the art of being, well, an asshole, and the latter is a collection of notes from my personal journals.

My most recent book — The New Dad Dictionary: Everything He Really Needs to Know – from A to Z — was released in April 2015.

My work has appeared in a variety of sources and in front of millions of eyeballs, among them Rolling Stone, Fatherly, AskMen, Men’s Health, Cosmo, Maxim, BroBible, Huffington Post, The Good Man Project and Penthouse.

I’m also the creator of the parenting website  A Message With a Bottle where I write jokes about parenting on sticky notes. Those notes ended up “Good Morning America” without me.

I’m the former editor of a men’s lifestyle site. I’ve done stand-up comic at places like Gotham Comedy Club, The Stand, and New York Comedy Club.

One of my tweets was christened as one of the funniest jokes of 2013 by The New York Post.

And that’s really it.

Oh, one more thing…

Yes, it’s my real last name.



For all inquiries contact Chris at cilluminati [@] gmail [dot] com or ask him on

Twitter: @chrisilluminati  | Instagram: @messagewithabottle

62 comments on “Welcome

  1. Your link to your best jokes of the year goes to a “Page Not Found” on the New York Post. I guess I’ll take your word for it :/

  2. i found your best joke! just google “chris illuminati best joke of the year” to get this http://nypost.com/2013/03/31/the-greatest-gags-tweets-jests-and-jokes-from-the-past-year/

  3. I am a father with a hot coworker, too. In regards to Thomas the Tank Engine and his best friends “Percy.” My son associated anything blue as Thomas and green as “Percy.” While at the grocery store my son wanted some green Gatorade and asked very loudly if he could have some pussy juice. When he saw my face he said mommy lets me have pussy juice. I bought him a case of that shit….

  4. Bari Alyse

    Great stuff. I want to speak to you. Please email me back. Thanks.

  5. Isabel Reyes

    I’m a casting director looking for funny parents for a new docu-series. Can you please email me your contact info and I can give you more information. Would like to interview you. Thanks! -isabel

  6. I thought your “MWAB” meant “Man With A Baby”…..~LOL~

  7. One question, how the heck can you get them to shut up when they inconveniently are more intellectually willing to wear you to the one and beyond I of course am talking about the dreaded 9 year old please save me!

  8. lol from seoul ^_^

  9. Just spent the last 5 hrs readin your stuff. LOVE IT!!! Made my night!!!!

  10. I really like your handwriting. oh, and funny stuff allover the place!! Books please…

  11. I thought for certain all your post-it notes were written by a woman. Cracked me up, but hands down, a woman. Well done.
    Wish I read your “buying toys based on how much they hurt when you step on them in the dark” before xmas. Inbox me timely advice please?
    PS…I’m in need of being someone’s hot co-worker. You should have a resume page 🙂

  12. Just found your site. Enjoying and sharing. Thanks

  13. MotorbikeMomma

    Your stuff is hilarious and I am saving your page so my soon-to-be-a-stay-at-home-dad husband can learn what it’s really like on the inside (he is a couple of years behind you though). Right now he thinks it will just be shits and giggles… Anyway, love your stuff. I look forward to reading more.

    • After his first day home alone with the kid, snap a picture. Send it to me. I want to laugh and post it 🙂

      • oh that right there is just evil Chris by funny as hell. maybe regular updates… 1 day, 1 week, 1 month – watch the man devolve 🙂

      • You mean update this blog?

      • No.. your blogs are perfect.. the wife should send some of her husband on a regular basis so we can all watch him devolve… YOU.. are just like pop rock candy, sweet.. purdy and you make me laugh!

  14. You make my ribs hurt … which was a really good thing! Long past the days, but you brought home hysterical memories. Thanks.

  15. Loved reading all
    Reminded me of when my kids were little had me thinking of my favorite stories of them…
    we had one of our boys believing in blinker fluid till he needed a new bulb.

  16. Bored at work and stumbled upon your beauty of a blog. Hilarious stuff! I’m going to start showing everyone I know. You’ve earned it.

  17. T. Schrimsher

    LOVE IT!!! I only wish I had your insight when our daughter was growing up… at 31, it’s a little late for her and for us. Hey, maybe for my wife, that’s an idea that I can make hay with!

  18. Great Stuff! So reminded me of the days when I was raising my boys myself! Now a grandfather of 3 and seeing it all over again. Giving your notes to the young dads so they can be prepared! Good luck!

  19. Breanna Miller

    Incredibly fun to read! My daughter constantly makes me laugh with little quips. Her latest is the following: Me: “You’re kind of weird sometimes.” Her: “You made me this way!” It never ends.

  20. Chris, your writing style is wonderful and I’m glad I follow your updates. 🙂 I’m excited to read your books next!

  21. Amber Courtney

    I tripped onto your page by lucky accident and spent the next two hours lol’ing. I recently went back to work, and while my hubs is still active duty in the military and our kids are school aged, he has picked up quite a bit of my slack. I often wonder what goes on when Im not around…..are the girls covering for him? LOL Had circumstances been different I imagine he would be walking in your shoes. The song/video by Lonestar – Mr. Mom plays in my head on repeat. Wish I had a camera following him around. I bet it would make great youtube hits. Love your stuff. Keep the laughs coming. Best of luck.

  22. Miranda Loukota

    Hey Chris! I love reading your stuff, you have no idea. I accidentally found you when I was skyping with my now ex boyfriend JonMark about a month ago, and I keep watching your stuff seeing everything you post. I particularly enjoy it, because even though I’m not a stay at home dad, I help my mom (I’m a girl) take care of my two brothers, and I played a major parental role in my baby brothers life, and a lot of the things you post I can relate to because I have dealt with the same stuff! Keep up the great work and just know that in July when I go to Great Lakes Training Center in Chicago for my Basic and A-School, You are going to be the first things I look up on the internet (once I’m allowed back on the internet that its). Keep it up!

  23. 31 yo female married to a 47 yo man so we don’t have plans for children together but your blog makes me laugh so hard i snort… so i’m happy to be home alone on the couch while my firefighter husband (married 11 days now!!) is off training other firefighters. Thanks for the laughs and keep up the fabulous work!

  24. So, here it is at last… A place to hide out and vent the feelings of being the prowd owner of a shiny new heathen.. I’ve been blessed with the curse of a fiery ginger that is the cutest form of daily torcher you’ll ever get the chance to lay your black underlined eyes on. He’s like me as a teenager except he’s 14 months old… Party and scream at the top of your lungs all night and crash hard after you realize the hangovers setting in at around noon. It wasn’t always like that … It was a form of torcher your worst enemy couldn’t provide even if he/she had Kathy Gifford signing “I’ll be there ” over and over again while your strapped to a bar stool in an awkward room just for “the two of you” the wife unit and I had such bad sleep deprivation I was starting to see some of the weirdest shit…it was like the days of eating liberty caps or qbenzies and the ceiling starts to glow or big jelly fish like faces come out of the wall like in poltergeist . He’s the thing I love most in this world… I’m still waiting for the ” I I’ve you dad” but I figure giving me a nodded grunt when I serve him frozen waffles is his genrations way of sayin”cool”. Where I’m at now is chasing this kid ….. He’s like a small very observant ninja… He waits for prime opertunnitys of mayhem only to pull them off with such stealth you really start to think ” he’s been with miagi again I knew it! He finds shit from places I didn’t know existed I. The caverns of our wood floors… I’ve begun to just glance at it to see if it’s metal or smaller than a toilet paper roll and if it doesn’t fit that criteria I consider it an immune boosting snack… And hey… No major illness or internal injuries yet. I spend nearly every waking minuet with my boy and it’s a blast in most regards and I miss him when I’m working or not around. It’s a pavlovs dog sinario, he’s got such good control over us parents he can act however he wants for 24 hours strait, scream In Resturaunts at the top of his lungs, throw his food on the ground or into nearbyplant pots, ruin mommys and daddy’s cloths by throwing up somthing he didn’t really want to eat by sticking his finger into the black abbis of his throat just to tickle the pickle and HOORAY we get to see sponge bob and friends agin but in a little bit of digested way…. Makes for a good afternoon… Never a dull moment here…ohhh no… He’s like all the red heads I’ve dated…he’s a ball of raging unstable energy that is basically a ticking time bomb waiting to see if your competent enough to get
    What he’s about to pull off before he does it. And like most reds he hides it well.. In a loving caring ginger wrappe shell… But it doesn’t take long for this ginger to snap! Aww he’s a good kid we get lots of compliments on him …enough I think that I told the wife she doesn’t need that new coach bag for summer…. You got plenty of ginger flair hangin off your arm already … The old folks already swarm him like he’s wearing a white robe with his arms wide open while standing In the fountain of youth. Raising kids is an on going fun challange and I’m sure I’m not the only stay at home dad that’s seen,Heard, or gone thru any of this so,it’s great to step
    Back from the nasty diaper genie smells seeping from that poorly made p.o.s. (No pun intended) and vent in a different room that kids can’t touch be smear everywhere… Thanks Chris for letting me yap ..I’ll look forward to
    Swapping some hilarious stories cause if you got
    Kids you definately got

  25. Lingua Sardonica

    My sons are 23 and 19 and they are still hilarious. I look back with nostalgia at some of the unintentionally funny things they did and said when they were little, because now, when they are hilarious, it’s much more deliberate (and they are slightly more easily embarrassed, a fact that I take advantage of regularly). Sometimes I miss when they were just little guys, and it makes me ache, until I walk in any public women’s restroom and run up against the eye-wateringly thick wall of eau de diaper sauce as I pass the changing table. That, and the quick walk to the next restroom, clears the melancholy RIGHT up.

  26. Is that really the same guy in the both pictures above? The handsome looking man on the left and on the right side the criminal looking person who seems to be at the Comedy Club NY. I like the left one better.

  27. Lee Wilkerson

    Just read your ’19 Things… ADHD…’. Me, too.

  28. Ahhhh, Chris, your post-it notes are such a delight! My husband and I raised four sons; and are now enjoying the antics of four precious grandchildren (while looking forward to grandchild number five!). Thx for the fun journey back to that amazing time in our lives! Enjoy every minute! K

  29. Bro Bible has yet to write on Drunk Mode. This is confusing to me. Why wouldn’t a site that caters to “bros” not want them to know about Drunk Mode? You can block your ex to not drunk dial her, find your friends in case one of your bros leaves with a grenade or gets kidnapped, and track your movements throughout the night to find which bar you left your wallet/dignity at. This is amazing. Write on it. Tell the masses. I’ll attach our press release too, just in case you actually read this and are interested. Thank you for your time.

  30. I just read this which you published on ask men:
    “Having influence over another individual in a relationship isn’t always a bad thing. For example, a woman can have a positive effect on her partner in the areas of health, hygiene and overall appearance. She may influence her partner to make smarter nutritional choices, incorporate skincare products into his morning routine and buy clothing that accentuates his build and stature”
    This is probably the most sexist and offensive thing ive read or seen since i last turned the television on.
    So, because im a man a woman may be able to help me with my inferrior hygiene, health and fasion choices?
    How dare you print that?
    A message for you and any woman reading this:
    Im cleaner, i dress better, i cook better, im healthier, my skin is good because my diet is right, im fitter – the list could go on – than any woman i know or who ive ever been out with.

  31. Hey Chris I’m dying to know, what’s your drink of choice? Cheers from Poland!

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