/this-just-in/images/rss_icon.gif){kind=icon}
/this-just-in/images/email_icon.gif){kind=icon}
/this-just-in/images/header_images/GMIClogo2.jpg "Random Header Image")
Last season, I stopped playing fantasy football. Quit three leagues cold turkey. Just didn’t have the time to invest in drafting and checking my team ,the waiver wire and injury updates all day/every day. Honestly, I got a real job and didn’t have time for that anymore. I figured it would be easy to quit.
By halftime of the opening game I had the shakes from withdrawal. What did I miss the most? The gambling aspect. It made football incredibly more interesting when money was on the line. Suddenly, I really didn’t give a turd about the Chiefs and Broncos when nothing was on the line. Gambling makes even the worst games watchable.
This coming season, because I still don’t have time for fantasy, I decided to start betting on the NFL. (Please don’t tell me mum!) Problem. I know nothing about gambling. I mean I understand point spreads and everything but the actual process of betting I am clueless about. I think I need a “friend of a friend” and a “code name”. I’m never good at code names.
Just so I don’t feel like an ass, I’m going to do a little research. The same way I learn about everything else. A simple how to article.
Step 1- There are many bets you can make on a football game, including point spreads, totals, and money lines. Football is also a popular sport to parlay, meaning to bet on multiple games on one ticket. Point spreads are bets on how much a team will win or lose by. You take the point spread and add or subtract that many points from the team you are betting on. Totals are betting on the combined points scored by both teams. Money line bets are bets that are only on who will win or lose the game outright. There are no point spreads but there are odds to make the betting more even.
Holy crap I just had a flash back to high school algebra. I think my brain realizes numbers are going to be discussed and it steps out for a Fresca. This happens when my wife starts talking about bills and money in the bank. I just go “totally, totally” and I look like a financial whiz. Like what’s his name. Uncle Moneybags. So, back to the lesson. Money lines. Totally. Totally. Got it.
Step 2- Place your bet at the window in a sportsbook. Sportsbooks refer to games by number, not team name, so find the number of the team you would like to bet on. This is how you will place your bet. If you would like to bet a parlay, there are often parlay cards that you simply fill out and bring to the ticket writer. These offer worse odds than betting off the board by number, but offer more convenience.
This is like ordering Chinese food. Imagine if team names where actually replaced by numbers. “I’m a big fan of the New York Fours.” “I got insane seats to the Philadelphia Eighty.” “Did you see the game last night between the Tampa Sixty-Nines and the Boston…. (what’s a good number to represent asshole? 0? Fair enough).. the Boston Zeros. ”
Step 3- Tell the ticket writer what you want to bet on. When betting just one game, tell the writer that you want a straight bet, then give them the team number, and how much you want to bet. If you are betting a total or money line, you say the team number, followed by “over” or “under”, or “money line” and then the amount you wish to bet. If you are betting a parlay, tell the writer that you’d like a parlay, then list all of the team or game numbers you’d like, followed by the amount you wish to bet.
How many times do you think that poor bastard behind the counter gets the “over/under” joke from Airplane? Twenty times a day? Poor bastard probably dies a little inside every time. Fists busted from trying to punch through a thick glass window. “Har. Har. Roger roger. COME HERE YOU LITTLE SHIT!”
Step 4- When you have given the writer all of your bets, give him the amount due and check your tickets for accuracy.
Thanks for making it clear I should give him the amount due. I was ten dollars short and hoping he would take a Rita’s Water Ice coupon.
Step 5- If you are gambling online, the process is pretty much the same, minus the writer. Instead, you just follow the links to the bet you want to make, and then make the bet. Again, check your bets for accuracy.
Also, check to make sure it’s an actual gambling website and not a sham that will take your credit card info and buy a chain of Sizzlers in Nigeria.
Sizzler. Good codename. I’m set.
Related Posts-
How to move properly (even though I’ll NEVER do it again)
How to write a complaint letter (attempted by an angry little man)
The proper way to enjoy whisky (attempted by a complete idiot)
Subscribe
Twitter
Email
Facebook
LinkedIn
YouTube
ha, Chris! sounds exactly like the rules for investing 401k, stocks, or IRA’s. Except for #6 - pay the vig( charges to “manage” your account) and then #7 wonder where your money went. Here is a tip, Brokers, agents, lawyers, etc are NOT nice guys, no matter how they seem. They are makeing money off YOUR money. ( see vig, above)Kind of like “points” when you go to get a house. ( let me get this straight- you are charging me, extra, for borrowing money from you, when I am already paying interest. WTF?)Same with car companies. Cash back? just cut the damn price of the car. Best way to win at sports gambling is to walk away. Like the lottery. Or scratch tickets. But hope springs eternal, ya know. Now excuse me, I got to put a bet on the ponies.
Tom
I guess the best gamble is on the gulibility of the human race. That is a sure winner, every time. The wish to get someting for nothing. Of course, sometimes you get caught. Ask the esteemed Mr. Bernie M, who is now ensconced at the Fed. hotel in Butner, NC. ( my state) And likely to be there, unless some one kills him. My guess is instead of foie gras and caviar, he will have potted meat and canned tuna. The next time he tastes some Dom P will be somtime in , oh wait , NEVER. Somtimes, I don’t believe in capitol punishment. This is one of those cases. Hope he enjoys it. I am tired of corporate execs ripping off the common persons. tom
sorry for the rant. tom
God forgives, thus so must i. remeber “Corrie ten boom”, and put things in persective, I guess. Tom
well, afore I get in a arguement, let me say, if you follow links on goggle, it will lead to dispensational or not, milleniium, pre mellenium, or not. All I can say is I am happy to be here, Otay? I try to treat everyone as I would be treated ( and that is tough, cause I dont like em all.) Tom
got it bernie? I hope so. I have no pity you are lucky. you could go http://www.doc.state.nc.us/dop/prisons/Central.htm
ever notice how distant these prisons are from the state capitol. ( except NC) I donno, just saying… ow, ow, ok alright alredy, jezz. Every body deserves decent treatment ( age, race, religion, sex, or sexual orientation). But I had to go see “transformers 2, and anyone that liked that POS is pretty damn dumb, regardless of the afore mentioned. Just my opinion.
Tom
esse quam videria, eh?
“live free or die” or “don’t tread on me” is another good motto, But ain’t that NJ or NH Chris? snakes? ( which I fear) or every one that gets stomped on, once in a while, and recovers. God bless, tom
Hi Chris, hope you are doing as well as I am. I am great. But I wrote something a local np, to day, and it was promptly sent back. Can you tell me why? Honestley? or did I piss of the powers that be? Here goes– (I guess what irritates me is all my friends down east, think everyone up here is “Snuffy Smith”. And once you get west of Meklenburg, or Catawba, every one is dumb. Well, Got news for them. I have a bs and equivlent of and ms, and could teach robotics at ECU ( my origianal alma matter). Road design and engineering, with NCDOT, and spent the last 7 years learning and then supervising at a plant that made cd’s dvd’s ( 5 and 9’s - 18’s were just too cost prohibitave) and were just gonna get into the blue ray stuff, when we were shut down. Too bad. But I will say this, dont go rushing out to buy a blue ray player. See that little flash drive in your computer?. That is the future ( for now). Better be working on that. DVD is dead, just dont know it yet. Like VHS. Bless. Tom.
—–Original Message—–
>From: Thomas Robinson
>Sent: Jul 19, 2009 9:50 PM
>To: letters@mountainx.com
>Subject: Thanks
>
> I enjoy your paper, each week, and when I am out of this area, find I miss it. For some background on me, well, I am almost 50, ex military officer, fairly conservative, and have lived here on and off, since a kid in 1973. ( prior to that , Chapel- Hill).Still have alot of family and friends in RTP. But I love it here. ( candler). It is home. I like how you guys try to be inclusive of everyone in this area. It would be pretty damn boring, were we all the same, ya know. I particularly like the food/resturant reviews, and Ken Hanke’s movie reviews. Plus various articles and specials you print. Some of the political cartoonists you all feature, not so much. But that is ok, also. ( I even like “asheville disclaimer”, but dont tell anyone. ;). I also like the “letters section” ( though they raise my blood pressure and piss me off , frequently) for that is what this country is all about. Please keep up the great paper. I like nothing better, than sitting down late each Wed. evening, and never knowing what will be in there. Kind of like unwraping a new gift each week. Thanks, for your hard work. God Bless ( I meant mine, but take any way you want, OK? None at all , if that is your thing) Tom
>
Well I guess that did piss a lot of persons and companies off ( specifically AG Bertalsman and Sony). But Hitachi had a lot to lose, also. ( there was a terrible “war” between one company and Sony, for a while, but also the maunufacturers of the production lines, ( Mauabenie, for dvd, or Netsall, ( swiss) that make cd, dvd, production lines. ( we are talking billions of dollars, Chris). They Will protect their investment. The point is moot now. We will have dvd, for a long while, but the next generation will probably be movies on read only flash drives, pluged into a hdtv with a memory that can read it. My bet is quick, I bet. From a manufacturing process, flash drives are easy, compared to dvds; less movements to complete, the hard thing is getting the content onto them. Tom
One thing I better tell you Chris every body on this earth has their little predilictions. One of mine is betting. the other is beer and good writting. Any stupid sob, ( like myself) can regurgitate math or geometry theroms, but I respect someone that can tell a good tale. God bless, Chris. Tom
I anit speaking of witting info to pre formed discs, in this case, Chris. I mean taking the raw poly, drying it, and producing a a CD ( easy) or dvd single layer, ( a bit harder) or dual layer(9) ( very tough) in 3.5 seconds or less, with 99.5 probabability they will play on 95 pecent of the players available to the general market, world wide. (And Yea, we did did different formats, like ntsb or pal) somthing eles to keep up with. Scrap rate was too high, on the nines ( 45 percent or more). I guess that is why we ( and me) are out of a job. We had to produce those for less than a buck a pice, and it was impopsible at our rate of pay ( I was making 15.50 per hour, but most made 12- 13). Hard too keep good persons at that rate. ( 5 or 6 doing the job of 10, turning out 60 k dics per shift, moulded, checked ( QC) and printed ( art work), ready to be shipped) every freaken 12 hour shift. Glad I am out of it . But I learned, while I was there.
( I guess lerned not to fly (xxxxx airlines,OK?) Or eat at xxxx. or stay at xxxx hotel. The middle persons workining there can only do so much, with the funds available. But I I will say this, next time I fly on my own dime overseas, I am going BOAC, Lufthansa, or El Al. Dont know about the eastern flights. I am sure there are some great ones, as in central america. I just dont know.Tom
anyways, Chis, you aint a mush, but a quite a git. ( have you seen the new other movies yet?) Mollie Sudgens died this week. 80 plus years, you know- she was Ms. Slocubme on the BBC show, “Are you being served”. She wore different color wigs, on each show, not to mention speaking of her “pussy”. ( cat, get your mind out of the bleeding gutter, ok?, you git.) All my family is well. and hope yours is too. tom
I hope you took this in the spirit it was meant. To save you time, ” Git means ‘ bastard”, but only in the friendly sense. ( damn, you git, you are like brother. same as Mofo. “Mofo”, dont be doing that no more, ok? ( like mofo, dont knock the drink, pool cue, or samimich from my hand, ok, you git? Worlds diffirent, then if someone called me a git ( bastard) or mother fuc__, with malice afore thought. Then , it would be on. Now get away from me my git buddy , Chris. Otay? Tom