Chris Illuminati Books On Table

I’m an author. An ACTUAL author. This means people have paid me real money to write humor books. Yeah, I’m shocked as well.

I even have an official “one day this might be on a book jacket” photo. It’s yet to be on a humor book jacket but that shouldn’t stop you from buying my books.

Maybe print the photo out, paste it inside a humor book? I do that often. Not to my own books. I paste them into books I wish I’d written. Especially The Bible.

The New Dad Dictionary — Everything He Really Needs To Know From A to Z

So you’re a new dad or are about to become a new dad. Congratulations! But before you pat yourself on the back too wholeheartedly, you probably want to answer some questions:

When your wife says she doesn’t want an episiotomy, do you know what that means?

Do you know how to handle meconium or jaundice?

Are you going to be an authoritarian parent or an authoritative parent? A snowplow parent or a helicopter parent?

If you’re not sure how to answer these questions or don’t even know what meconium is, don’t worry. The New Dad Dictionary — Everything He Really Needs to Know – from A to Z gives you everything you need to know to talk the talk of new parenthood.

Perfect for new dads, kind of new dads and soon to be dad,The New Dad Dictionary — Everything He Really Needs to Know – from A to Z is available for pre-order now at any of these fine book sellers.


A**holeology: The Science Behind Getting Your Way And Getting Away With It

To truly be an asshole is an art form. It requires the perpetrator to be cocky yet quietly confident, snide as well as sincere, sneaky while in your face. Better men than most have failed miserably. That’s why there’s this guide—the first book to walk you through the tricks of the trade and the numerous benefits the attitude reaps.

You will find essential information on how to sharpen your prick skills. Whether you’re way too over-the-top and need to tone it down, or are a shy wallflower who needs to turn it up, this book is your crash course in assholeology. You will now be able to get everything you ever wanted—in work, love, and life—by being an asshole.

This humor book is every guy’s handbook on how to be an asshole, without getting a black eye.


A**holeology The Cheat Sheet: Put the science into practice in everyday situations

Whatever the problem, an asshole knows how to deal. And for those who don’t—but want to—there’s this guide. It takes the concepts covered in the bestselling original and applies them to everyday life.

Now you can quit being a pansy and get what you want without looking like a douchebag. It’s spelled out step by step. Need to sign a new account? Done. Score better seats to the playoff game? Handled. Pick up that girl at the bar? Easy when you’re an asshole.

Class was dismissed at the conclusion of A–holeology. Now it’s time to take to the field with The Cheat Sheet.


Thank You For Not Laughing

Keeping a journal is recommended practice for all writers, comedians and even crazy people. I keep a writing journal. Several. Most of the stuff should never be seen by eyes other than mine, and even my eyes find the writing troublesome. This is the stuff I decided to share. Thank you for not laughing.


9 comments on “Books

  1. I’ve read one of your books on Amazon! HOLY COW! I’ve never laughed so hard and I was so sad that the book ended so quick! lol Probably cause I didn’t put it down for a few hours!

  2. YUP it was Thank You For Not Laughing! GREAT BOOK!

  3. Pingback: How My 3-Year-Old Makes Me Feel Like a Criminal | Message With a Bottle

  4. Pingback: The long ride home | Message With a Bottle

  5. Chris, is there an excerpt from your upcoming book available? Id like to get it for s friend but wanted to check it out first if possible. There’s no ‘look inside’ on the amazon link. Your website is ridiculously hilarious.

    • Hans, I don’t think the look inside option is on Amazon yet since the book isn’t finished it’s final clean up. Keep checking back (maybe end of February) and it should be there. Thanks!

  6. Your book helped me stand up for myself and my life after my super manipulative mother had it for the last 20 years. Thank you

    -20 year old, Maritsa M.

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