Chris Illuminati

The assorted work of a recovering a**hole

Here’s Why People Who Cheer For Only One Team Their Entire Lives Are Stupid

Continue reading “Here’s Why People Who Cheer For Only One Team Their Entire Lives Are Stupid”

30 Things That Change For The Worse When You Turn 30

The age of 30 is the new 20. I don’t know. It’s not because it blows. There’s just no other good expression to put into words the punch in the cock that’s three decades on earth. Continue reading “30 Things That Change For The Worse When You Turn 30”

The Reason I Lie — #FICTION

inside confessional

“The difference is, I lie for a reason. The reason changes every time. It’s usually to avoid trouble. Isn’t that worth something?”

“Lying is still a sin. And that’s why you’re here, correct? Forgiveness.”

“I’m here out of obligation.”

“To whom?” Continue reading “The Reason I Lie — #FICTION”

This Guy Puts Thousands Of People To Sleep Every Night Just With His Voice And It’s Guaranteed To Work On You

As far back as grammar school, Drew had issues sleeping. Like most kids, school caused the most anxiety and were the primary cause of his listless nights. He’d just lay awake at night, in his bed, in the dark, waiting for sleep to just happen. It just never happened easily.  Continue reading “This Guy Puts Thousands Of People To Sleep Every Night Just With His Voice And It’s Guaranteed To Work On You”

The One Word I Have Trouble Saying

It was, without a doubt, the best review of any of my published work.

The headline, plastered on prime real estate on page two of my hometown paper, mentioned the names of national comedy legends. Both men were born in my hometown (or close proximity) the latter a personal idol and the guy people constantly compare my wit and delivery to.

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If The Answer Is ‘Yes’ To These 5 Questions, Dump Your Girl

bad breakup

“Love is complicated” begins this piece over at Elite Daily and it’s about to get very uncomplicated because the author feels it only takes five questions to figure out if you should dump your woman.

I’ve decided to play along and answer his questions giving examples from my own life. I’ve been with my wife for seven years (nine when factoring in dating) so let’s see if I should go home and ask her to move out.

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Do You Hang Out At An Old Man Bar Or A Dive? Here’s How To Tell The Difference

In a city abundant with dive bars and surrounded by tenement houses standing upright just out of habit stood Top Road Tavern, one of few old man bars in the area. My father and uncle ran that old man bar.

My grandfather died and handed the joint off to his middle and youngest sons, my dad being the latter. Uncle Larry had 19 years on his kid brother. Uncle Ang, first born and 22 years apart from the youngest, constantly joked the last of the Illuminati kin only happened because “mom and pop didn’t feel like going to the movies that night.”

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This College Kid Makes Solid Money Helping Strangers With The One Job All Their Friends Say ‘No’ To


There are few certainties in life. Death is an absolute certainty. Paying taxes is required although some are able to buck the system for a substantial amount of time. If they end up getting pinched, jail follows, and even prisoners pay taxes. Those were the only two in life, but I’m adding one more to the list: moving. Everyone moves at least once, and some of us multiple times until our life becomes a never ending quest to move massive boxes from one dwelling to another until, you guessed it, that first inevitability I mentioned comes knocking.

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These Are The ONLY Times It’s Acceptable To Go To A Bar Alone

It’s time for another installment of Ask A Bro. If you missed any back issue, catch up here. As always, send questions here.

Away we go…

It’s Time To Control Your Ear Hair Because Women Find It Disgusting

I couldn’t stop staring. It looked as if he spent the morning shoving a toupee down his ear canal, but alas, some just wouldn’t fit. He wasn’t and old man so this wasn’t a scenario of the geriatric and half-blind gent just missing a couple sprouts of ear growth. Continue reading “It’s Time To Control Your Ear Hair Because Women Find It Disgusting”

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