While there are a few exceptions like the Old Spice dude, overall, the ads on television are cancer to my mind. I tune them out in an effort to maintain my level of stupidity and not dip any closer to dangerous lows.
There is one commercial that especially pisses me off every time. It’s impossible to ignore. It has stood up over time because it’s as moronic now as it was the first time it polluted my eyeballs a couple hundred viewings ago.
Man sitting on couch reading newspaper. It’s already bullshit because no one reads the paper anymore. Wife enters in whorish dress made for a woman half her age. Man starts babbling about credit card points and taking a trip. A trip covered by said points. The whole time his wife is smiling and going “we can’t, we can’t” and trying to interrupt him and pop his thought bubble that has them sun-baking in the tropics. She gets a chance to speak and reveals that the dress was purchased with those points. He smiles all horny and we assume they go bump their privates together.
The permanent roommate and I have an agreement. The vows made us a tag team. Everything is “ours”. Her debt is my debt. My car is her car. Our credit card points are our credit card points. If we’ve got the chance to cash them in to get the fuck out of dodge, there is no discussion, we are on the next flight as far as the points will take us. She wouldn’t be so dumb as to blow them all on a dress just as I wouldn’t waste them all on something like baseball tickets or a new God damn sports coat. Especially when not even discussing the ideas with one another.
Cue paramedics as the man explains he was actually able to shove the credit card statement so far down her gullet it came out her ear canal like a sausage does a grinder. The paramedics let out a chuckle as the man points to the dress. Fade to black.
That’s how that commercial ends in my mind. He then uses the points to flee the country.
I’m sure your first thought after skimming that title was “took him long enough to figure out.” To that I respond “bite it”.
The real story behind the breakdown is my work was recently featured on the website The Nervous Breakdown. It’s the longer version of a story I originally wrote for this website about the permanent roommate’s first ultrasound.
Please check them both out and make sure to leave a ton of comments so they ask me to come back. Unlike that Olive Garden that banned me for life. Look, you said “when I’m there I am family” well THAT is what my family does after a big meal.
Cousin picked me up this morning for a tuxedo shopping trip. He is getting married next month. Pulled up in a white pick-up truck.
“Did you get a new truck?”
“No, this is a rental. Wait until you hear this.”
He whipped out his cell to show me this picture. Earlier in the week his engine was dragging a little and eventually two lights flashed on the dash. He called the dealership and dropped it off for service. They called him 20 minutes later and asked him to come back to see the problem.
The hood was popped and the mechanic pointed to a large collection of leaves in the corner of the engine.
“It’s a nest of some kind.”
The mechanic and my cousin soon realized it was a squirrel’s nest. It wasn’t hard to figure out because the little bastard popped his head out of the leaves and bolted out for safety. He had built a nest and chewed through some of the wires.
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