Written by Chris Illuminati on February 8th, 2010
I’ve developed a system. It’s simple but it works. On my days off, I hit to the gym early (faking an amazing workout), come home for breakfast, shower and complete all the little distracting tasks of the day before sitting down with a massive jug of coffee and writing. It works and I do my best writing following this routine. Hell, I’m doing it right now. Smell that? Hazelnut Biscotti creamer. It smells like two baristas having sex in here.
Baby will soon make three. He won’t give two shits (he will literally–probably many more) about my schedule or my writing. I’ll be up all hours of the night taking care of the baby during the day and weeping softly in a rocker until he finally falls to sleep. My ass is not getting up for the gym. The rest of the day is shot.
I know I’m acting completely self absorbed but I’m scared the kid will kill my writing. He will consume all of time in the short term. I’ll probably get back to normal once he is old enough to do things for himself. Maybe, what, senior year of college? I’m sure I’ll change my tune the minute he arrives but at least I’m being honest.
Many writers seem to have this parenting shtick all under control. They raise kids, run a house, even in some cases work a full time job besides writing. How do they do it? What’s their secret? Incredible self discipline? And extra hour in each day? Hard alcohol?
Aunt Becky from Mommy Wants Vodka knows the balance between parenting life and blogging life. So I sat outside her house until she had time to answer a few questions that I hoped would calm my egotistical and selfish fears.
Click to continue »
Posted in Before Child, Dad-icus, On the web | 8 Responses »
Tags: Aunt Becky, Mommy Wants Vodka
Written by Chris Illuminati on February 5th, 2010
Life. Full of hysterical moments. Peeing on cats or pulling out dildo pops in front of your old man are funny stories to tell over a nice glass of grain alcohol. Of course, they are only hysterical long after the fact and to innocent third parties.
A perfect example of one of those stories was waiting for me in my Inbox this morning. It comes from my friend Izzy of Ask Izzy fame. She put a smile on my face and a fresh mist of coffee on my computer screen.
My dad drives me to the train station before he goes to work.
He was telling me how the guys at his work (men between the ages of 28 to 50) were talking about the term “chubby” for a male erection. You know, not quite a full erection, but not limp. Considering my dad has led, let’s say a full life, I was shocked to find out he had no idea what it meant.
In the middle of the conversation, he puts in a call to a potential client and leaves a voice mail. He hangs up and continues the chubby talk. A couple minutes later he hears a faint voice say “if you’re satisfied with your message press pound”.
He never hung up the call. He got so nervous he just hung up, not realizing he could just delete the message.
Life. Full of boners. In this case, chubbies.
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Posted in Tales of Whoa | 16 Responses »
Tags: boner, chubby, dads
Written by Chris Illuminati on February 4th, 2010
It was the perfect arrangement. The wife was a bear. She could fall asleep anywhere and sleep through anything. The moment she found herself horizontal she was out cold. I hate doing it missionary because I think she’ll pass out before I have the chance to finish. Wake up baby! This is three minutes of magic you don’t want to miss!
I’ve never been a sleeper. Even as a kid I’d stay up late into the night, afraid I was going to miss something. Of course, nothing happens at 2 a.m. except sounds around the house that will keep a child wide-eyed and afraid to sleep for decades. Even today, I actually hate sleeping. Right as I’m about to doze off I manage to have one final thought; “is sleep like death?” Then I’m up surfing On Demand and one key stroke away from ordering a year’s worth of cheesecakes off Home Shopping.
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Posted in Before Child, Dad-icus | 43 Responses »
Tags: prenancy, sleeping
Written by Chris Illuminati on February 3rd, 2010
The wife forces me to watch the Bachelor (you argue with a preggo!) and this week the dude 86′ed a girl who was saving her tuzzy muzzy for marriage AND wouldn’t even consider living with a guy before they got hitched. Being on the Bachelor is her third worst idea ever.
All of a sudden virgin status is all the rage. It got popular again with those Jonas spawn and their promise rings. (Honestly, virgins AND they wear jewelery? One of them graces the cover of Out magazine by the end of this decade. Nothing wrong with that but I’ll bet my balls on it.) They’ve got all the tweenies saving themselves for marriage.
“I’ll only do oral, anal, toys, bondage, sexting and half-naked Twitpics but NO SEX until my first marriage.”
Virginity. It’s just bad business. With sex, the first is the worst. Practice makes perfect. I can get a good look at the meat by sticking my head up the cow’s ass but I’d rather take the butcher’s word. If I can’t get free milk I’m not spending money on the cow. How many more expressions do you want me to screw up and make sexual? I’ve got all day.
Well this leads us to the dumb Internet find of the day: The Certified Virgin.
Whether you are a virgin, feel like a virgin, or want to be a virgin again, getting a virginity certificate is probably the easiest way to go. Show your friends you care, and certify them as well. Getting a certificate is easy and won’t hurt your wallet.
Proceeds benefit AIDS research. How about I just give you a $20 and we stop all these clever shenanigans? You don’t need a piece of paper to prove your a virgin.
Here is my quick checklist (works for men or women):
1.) You’re ugly
2.) You’re obese
3.) You collect Lennox
4.) You’ve got a popular YouTube video
5.) You didn’t go to college
6.) You cover your eyes when people kiss on TV
7.) You cry watching Extreme Home Makeover
8.) You’ve “boldly gone where no man has gone before” (I.E.- your pants)
9.) You’ve got a twin bed
10.) You blog
Got more? Leave them in comments.
Posted in News | 18 Responses »
Tags: marriage, sex, virgin
Written by Chris Illuminati on February 2nd, 2010
(Yes, two straight days of hot, man-candy pics. Quite a week.)
Nothing sexier than a man with big chesticles am I right ladies? No? Fine. Lop those suckers off in record number.
Breast reduction for men is the fastest-growing part of the cosmetic surgery industry for the second year running, plastic surgeons have said. The number of such operations rose from 323 in 2008 to 581 last year - an 80% increase - the British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons said.
But who to blame for man tits? Fast food? High fructose sauce? Lazy men who suck on pork in traffic. Wrong. All wrong. The media is to blame.
Pressure created by Men’s magazines was partly to blame, one surgeon said.
Get the torches. Run to Lowe’s for some pitchforks (does anyone own a pitchfork? Besides all you Amish readers). Storm the offices of every Men’s magazine in the land for having the gall to put attractive and fit men on the pages of their magazine…about how to stay fit and attractive. Blasphemy!
Second most popular men’s surgery; penis lengthening. Happens right after the guy can finally see his d*ck because his tits aren’t in the way anymore.
Related
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20 signs this is your first time in a gym
I say and do many dumb things. Click here to subscribe so you don’t miss any of them.
Posted in News | 6 Responses »
Tags: gym, male surgery, moobs
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